It doesn’t make sense that I’m not skinny. A person so critically lacking should not have full breasts or gentle sine curve approximations of hips and thighs. My warm flesh, the protective winter coat equivalent, gives the impression of gentle times, safety and most of all, life. Like the kind mother with excess fat from successful pregnancies—there is something inherently comforting from the softness.
The dead are skeletons. The dying, skeletal. I find it almost insulting that my body does not reflect my deep sadness. If I’m being buried alive, I might as well get the beauty perks of the departed. The heroin chic, the borderline anorexic, that would make my tear stained pillow more credible.
I took a plunge into a strange place that night. I remember feeling confident, as though I was playing some sort of game.
“I only play games I win.” I looked over at him suggestively. Lowered my gaze. Close eyes slowly and re-open. Bat them again, this time more quickly and look up. Smile a few seconds after, and laugh like I issued a challenge.
It wasn’t just the alcohol talking to me, there was a different voice, too, the voice that has been with me all along. She sings to me at night when I feel lonely. Take comfort that men find you undesirable.
The desired are never alone; she says.
The voice tells me all of this. His hand pulling on my hand towards his crotch is a compliment. His disregard for my permission shows how much he wants me. I live not only in this world, but inside his thoughts. The dancer of his imagination, the captive of his mind.
This is the only way to live.
Stay alive in their fantasies. Speak only beautiful words.
My reality is ugly.
Cum-stained bedsheets. Overdue assignments. I hate having to explain my feelings to other people. The words just get lost upon themselves. I feel inadequate and alone, like a crumpled tissue in the trashcan.
I briefly contemplate death.
I once had a dream where I stood on the roof of a very tall skyscraper. The building must have been in a beautiful place because all around this building was green. Green hills, pastures, trees, flower fields. The water in the nearby lake glittered. There was a fragrant breeze, and I inhaled the colours deeply. The splashes of blues and green, coupled with the rainbow sky was exhilarating. I could even see white fluffy swathes of clouds float by. It was such a beautiful day.
I dived like the neck of a swan. Upon impact, my life expanded to the galaxies. I burst into millions of stars, the black expanse of the universe briefly lit by my light